Recently I asked you to tell me what Thanksgiving is. I still haven’t gotten a response of any kind. Perhaps you are all still out there wondering yourselves.
Here I sit Christmas Eve not feeling like Christmas. However I knew it would pass … not Christmas but that feeling. At least it used to. This year it is different and harder to face I hear from many. No, I too am finding myself at a loss. A big one is missing my family, but it has happened too many times before! I’m tired of it and I don’t think any amount of apologies will ever fix it I am afraid. Sometimes that just happens. Sometimes we have to move further on than expected we think. Tonight I am feeling very lost as I have too many times. I know God uses everything for good but tonight I so wonder?
The last time I mentioned, that a smile can save a life and I would tell you about that. I had a different topic in mind, but this one will do well! It’s during the holidays or anniversaries that suicide happens most often I understand. Not sure if it’s really fact, so I will ask you check it out. Don’t ever take anyone’s word unless you can find it yourself!
Going back to smiles. I was about 8 years old and standing near Onondaga Creek out by the Easy Bargain Center here in the Syracuse area. It was spring and I asked about it … the creek that is. Dad (really my grandfather) told me don’t lean over so far I might fall over … not good! Why? He went on to say that an awful lot of people had died in it. Whether they banged their head falling in or just plain drowned since there was nothing to grasp onto once falling in. I thought why would anyone risk falling in then? Dad went on that sometimes for all the wrong reasons some people felt that dying was the best thing they could do for everyone. They would come here and jump in and they would drown. Commit suicide? Okay.
I thought about that a lot for a long time and I went to the library … no google back in 1958 or so. I read all about it and thought some more. I also thought about my life up to that point. Nothing much good about it with abuse and being shipped around to whoever would keep me and the abuse there wasn’t any better. 8 years of life is an awfully long period of time .. A whole life! Dad must have been near a 100 what with his white hair! More than 10 times my age! 10 lifetimes!!! I had thought of killing some even to get away. Felt that was really really wrong in my gut!
It must have been really late May to Mid June. I thought hurting people was really bad but I was really strong but didn’t want to take it anymore and I decided I knew what I could do.
Left Assumption that afternoon after school and I knew what I would do! I was heading down to the Easy Bargain Center books and all. I was near or in front of Ed Guiths Hobby store on S. Salina St. And I fell with all the books skining my hand and I was probably crying and I was banging my hand into the sidewalk. It was sunny and a lady in a pretty greenish blue dress was bending down over me. I couldn’t see her at first but then I could see she had blond hair but couldn’t see her face. I then saw the most beautiful smile telling me it was ok and she’d help me. She did by getting me to my feet. She took a tissue that was wet I think and started wiping off my hand. I felt she cared and I felt her inside me ‘sorta’. I still don’t know how to explain it. Maybe for the first time I felt (maybe believed) I was worth more than the powder to blow me to hell! It all happened pretty quickly when I look back.
Still, I could see her smile with my eyes opened and closed for years later though I swore I would never forget her face .. I did. I turned back toward the Easy Bargain Center but stopped. Instead I turned and went home. I didn’t want to disappoint her. I wanted to be what I saw in her smile.
That smile saved my life that day. Truly! So what I am offering you are some thoughts on what else I try to find to keep going. I will tell you it’s harder than ever I think! Like feeling you can’t even count on God as much as you pray and as often … so get dressed and go out and find someone to give a smile to – a big smile to and perhaps offer a coffee to, or just listen to. Maybe they need a better coat. Another person that looks so sad … say can I help and say you look so sad maybe I can help … Anything to stop thinking about you … I also like to remember the song ‘raindrops on roses’ – corny I know, but any old thing that’s positive to counter the grief you’re feeling at that moment!
Elvis Presley used to sing a song, around this time of year. He was asking why can’t every day be like Christmas, but that was a long time ago.
Tonight Berkeley Mo. has taken the place of or added to Ferguson Mo.. Once again no one knows what really happened, but there sure isn’t a shortage of blame no matter what the facts are or turn out to be! I do know, without a doubt, that fear had a big part in it.
Christmas used to offer hope and joy and love for one another – rather than fear and suspicion – even if only a short while.
Start smiling at each other … What is the worst that can happen!? The other will think you’re a nut and while walking away they just might smirk!
Smile ! It could save a life! Always help when you can no matter how little or much! It counts!
Merry Christmas to all and to all I wish you Blessings! Just Rick =)
P.S. When my son was about 6 years old he came home “ Why can’t we all get along!” … went to his room and was crying. He had defended his best friend Darius … that was maybe 28 years ago. He wasn’t hurt physically, but … I think his wish for this Christmas and every day of the year would be all of us ‘Getting along!’ It hasn’t changed I don’t believe … God Bless!