I couldn’t and figured I never would.
This isn’t how the story began a few months ago. This story, in a story, is about 8 blog posts. These were to get me back into the habit of anything (finding my passion)! In this instance I was to publish a blog post about every week to the end of the ‘contest’. It’s impetus was initiated by the wife of Scott Dinsmore. Suffice to say he died way way too early last September at 33. Simply this new world meeting ticket is $650 and she wanted to give it away in honor of her birthday and I wanted to win it. Also to help the groups of “Live Your Legend” to continue to grow for themselves and many others. I didn’t accomplish that but like many things I wondered if I could forgive myself one more time for failing the task at hand?
We make decisions to become an engineer or a doctor or whatever but before school is over many of us are really clueless as where we’re going! Anyway, Chelsea (his widow) wants us to continue to grow. Now there are 200 groups in about 60 countries? It’s kinda like a writer’s forum or group but here we are making and living our legend – whether 6 or 60 so to speak.
The point of this deviation was to simply explain I wanted to win an expensive ticket! Even if I couldn’t go to the world meeting. Check out “Live your Legend” and begin learning if you can forgive yourself?
I just don’t know?
I’d done so many things like the usual. Cheating, stealing, bad-mouthing, cursing God and using His name in vain, envy, hurting people, praying for my grandfather to die in great earnest although, with a bit of confusion. The list goes on and these aren’t the worst!
I had a lovely wife, daughter, and son but no matter what I did it seemed it was very often wrong. I won’t get into all my character flaws, but they all seemed like failures at the best of times.
I won’t get into the popular wisdom offered why Edison or Lincoln failed. This applied to Mickey Mouse and Poo Bear too! Finally it came to a significant point in my life that I realized I had to do something. Even before my wife died.
My wife and I were having difficulties and not just that alone. I had been told since I was maybe 2 years old I wasn’t worth the powder to blow me to hell!
Didn’t know what it meant but I did experiment with Johnson’s Baby Powder. I apologize for using my simple sense of humor, but it’s hard for me to write this.
I had moved out for whatever reasons and within 5 months I had moved again probably 4 or 5 times. Yet another string of failures.
I was positive beyound any shadow of a doubt that everyone would be better off if I were dead! This was the first time I had decided to do something about it. I also wanted to say goodbye to the few places and times I actually experienced being happy. I left a note or two to be found.
The most important ones were to my kids. My prayer that they would find a way to forgive themselves with a few suggestions. I didn’t know and said so too!
I went off on a trip south to revisit memories. There are many stories even within this but somehow my wife discovered where I was going. She called leaving a message near one of the places we used to go and stay (Ocean City N.J.) . I was disappointed how it had changed for the worst like me, in my opinion. It all depended on my perception. Fact or fiction.
Let me mention the facts. All the commercial properties after a hurricane or something had to be rebuilt in major proportions for some. The result was a lot of cookie cutter bldg. that were ugly to me. Hmm, compromises were made and much got rebuilt … otherwise a great many would not have survived perhaps. Again a personal opinion. I didn’t like it nor did I like me and it was to be years before I would understand.
Many of you who know me will testify I over explain things (we can cover the why’s and wherefore’s later).
It gets easier from here on out. I decided that really everyone would be better off if I was gone. I was gone and not coming back at least in this life! I still can’t remember why I am still here … perhaps at one time.
Over the next week or two Connie would page me and asked how many more places I had planned to go … like where Erika was born or Hershey’s. The Douglasville diner was a wonderful place to eat. My best friend’s widow (Joe Bolonski) and their kids. Again things change and truly there’s no going back.
Those things had been good but I didn’t know what went so wrong? I couldn’t forgive myself for all those things I knew had gone wrong and was being blamed for (real or imagined)!
I didn’t know how this question was to plague me for decades.
‘I will say this now as clearly and as honestly as I can. The greatest successes only come from the great many, and most sincere failures we can dream up! Read that again!’ (If I knew how to I would say tweet this!)
The only reason to ever look back is to add those into our ‘hope chest’ to make sure we don’t duplicate the failures more than twice. Otherwise we will bury ourselves in shame.
It’s the only way we will find ourselves becoming happier through the years!
I guess I should tell you now how to forgive yourself. Don’t know if this will help everyone but if I can help one, they in turn will bless their whole family. They in turn will find all the successes they dream of or dreamt of for business, family, and all other relationships!
I figured it out finally and what brought this on was a friend’s blog www.LeahAdams.org . She stated what I discovered, very well for this time.
Leah wrote, “I even fell victim to the thought that ‘I just cannot forgive myself’. By the way, there is absolutely NO biblical basis for the idea that we must be able to forgive ourselves for our sin and rebellion. Jesus forgave us. That is enough. Buying the lie that we must forgive ourselves cheapens what Jesus did on the cross. We are forgiven by Jesus.”
Now I don’t know how long it will take to understand this but it will come. My understanding took a couple decades and for me it’s become the most accurate truth I can discover for this question.
Only He can I believe
Maybe it’s because I’m a Christian Jew or a Jewish Christian? That’s for another time!
Does this help? Have I missed some insight ? Share in the comments to help others, me and especially you! BTW , it’s ok to read out loud!
Thanks and God Bless! Rick =)